Friday, September 12, 2014

n'oubliez pas moi

I wandered into this city before you did, back when you still kept strawberry brunette memories and fingers that will now seem lifetime ago to you now - but not then, back then when you still had a choice: kiss her and keep her versus love her and leave her and all I knew then and now, is to create trouble in my head. 

On your mind I wonder: so many countless times it has made me lose sleep, or waking up like I had never slept. In the winter she must've been beautifully blessed with an alabaster sheen, glowing with a madness I sometimes secretly wish I had if I wasn't so practical. You may ask, why is it so important for me? My answer is an impossible one, my pretend sophistication stops me from answering honestly and for that you may find me tiresome but only if you knew that this is important because I need it, I need every possible destruction to feel creation - polarity matters, opposite matters, it matters, 


and I 


Everyone needed me in the way I didn't need them, or at least not in the right way. Even in New York, my possibilities seemed constrained and dull. Quite honestly, I was feeling a safe amount of comfort more than anything and this was ironically, terribly desperate of me and tragically even more dangerous than I had once imagined. I was using adjectives to compensate for non-existence, to fill these gaps that I couldn't, not at least until you had found me with my fingers clenched and tried to tell me it is okay to lose my words, because I could not find words anymore, because the way history destroy a person destroys everything that once could be but never more. 

Joy is equal parts humiliation, hurt, and my hunger for love (towards you) that justifies all else (and this I hope you understand) 

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